Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Wayne's joke of the 'weak'

Woohoo! Author Chris Wood has contacted me to offer a free copy of his book Sherlock Holmes and the Underpants of Death to review.

Sounds far more appealling than Guy Richard's new film. Anyhow what with all this Holmes business going on, it's time for a new joke!

What did Sherlock Holmes say when somebody asked him which cultural current affairs magazine he most likes to read?

Elementary, my dear- What's On!

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Wayne's joke of the 'weak'

Have you heard the one about the male porn-star who leapt into a vat of perfume shortly before filming a scene, in order to save the life of a drowning child?

He came up smelling of roses!

Monday, December 14, 2009

Wayne's joke of the 'weak'

Why did the Severn Bridge toll-booth worker not get fired- after he placed a tea cosy on top of his head and did a rather poor impersonation of a Jamaican accent?

Because his boss decided that he was only guilty of 'borderline' racism!

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Wayne's joke of the 'weak'

What happened when a thoroughly drunk snowman arrived at the surprise Birthday party that his wife was throwing for him, with a cheap prostitute on his arm?

He was greeted with a 'Frosty reception'!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Wayne's joke of the "weak"

Have you heard the one about the objectophilia sufferer with an unusually thick penis, who found a new lease of life when he discovered the game of basketball?

He was "cock-a-hoop"!

Friday, October 23, 2009

Wayne's joke of the 'weak'

How did the ill-educated young gentleman from Newcastle -upon-Tyne misspell the word 'Yemen'?

Y-I-men (why-aye man)

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Wayne's (borderline-racist?) joke of the "weak"!

What do you call a Chinese healer with a remedy for coughs?

Benny Lin!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Wayne's Joke of the 'Weak'

Why could the song 'Ghost Town' be heard coming out of an old, used Kleenex?

Because it was a 'Ska Tissue'!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Wayne's joke of the 'weak'

Why did happily-married explorer Captain Scott attempt to bugger his travelling companion Captain Oates?

Because he was suffering from 'bi-polar' disorder!

Friday, August 7, 2009

Wayne's joke of the weak- blasphemy special

Sorry, I haven't recently managed to fulfill my projected intentions to divulge a new joke every calendar week. Still, regardless of the fact that the weak/week pun has now officially lost all semblance of validity, here's a new one to keep you going:

What was Jesus' favourite form of exercise?


Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Wayne's joke of the weak

Here's a second one for you:

Why did the man wear jogging bottoms and trainers to his dinner-date?

Because he was hoping to have 'casual' sex!

Wayne's joke of the weak

What do you call a black and white bird that hangs around in gay bars?

A poof-in!

Tuesday, July 14, 2009


Yes, I thought that title might catch your attention. Anyway, here's my a brand new review of a book that I suspect will appeal to fellow perverts:

Threesomes For Couples Who Want To Know More

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Wayne's joke of the weak- week 8

Captain Jean-Luc Picard is sitting in his quarters, reading the works of Plato, when he hears a knock. Upon opening the door, he discovers the presence of Geordie laForge- who is carrying a small robotic device.
"This is your new maintenance robot, Captain" says LaForge. "It is programmed to execute a variety of everyday chores."
"Why! That sounds exceedingly useful!" exclaims Picard (with a faint, yet unmistakeable trace of campness to his demeanour). "Only yesterday I was careless enough to rip the seam of my uniform, when I bent over to retrieve my phaser. Am I to presume that this device might serve to reinstate the structural integrity about my gusset?"
"Indeed, Captain" confirms laForge. "Would you like me to activate the robot's embroidery function?"
"Yes," directs the Captain. "Make it sew".

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Wayne's joke of the weak- July 4th special no. 7

Why did the man erect a small teepee in the living room and put his hamster in it?

To celebrate indoor-pet-tents day!

Wayne's joke of the weak- July 4th special no. 6

Why did the man build an elaborate network of tunnels using various pairs of boxer shorts?

To celebrate under-pant-dens day!

Wayne's joke of the weak- July 4th special no. 5

Why did the man murder his mother's lesbian sister?

To celebrate end-a-bent-aunt's day!

Wayne's joke of the weak- July 4th special no. 4

Why did the man encourage a group of reformed sinners to like to each other?

To celebrate endear-penitents day!

Wayne's joke of the weak- July the 4th special no. 3

Why did the mechanic reinforce the chassis of the battered stock car?

To celebrate underpin-dents day!

Wayne's joke of the weak- July the 4th special no. 2

Why did the American woman put a picture of Harrison Ford inside her locket?

To celebrate Indy-pendants Day!

Wayne's joke of the weak- July the 4th special

Why did the life-guard fill one end of the pool with insects?

To celebrate in-deep-end-ants day!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Wayne's joke of the 'weak'- Week 7b

A second weekly offering for you once again folks. I'm afraid that I simply can't tame those creative impulses right now.

Why did the light switch achieve significantly less impressive grades in his GCSEs than the other light switch?

Because he was a 'dimmer switch'!!!

NB. Following a number of complaints about the poor standard of my jokes, please note the change to the title of this weekly feature.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Complete tools

Here's a comment that was posted at the bottom of the following BBC news story:


I have 4 tickets so I may ask for two refunds and 2 souvenir tickets. When Michael died I was not concerned about the money I'd paid for tickets I was just so sad. I even considered donating the money to his children or towards the funeral. But a souvenir ticket would be great.
Lisa Shone, London UK

It never fails to stun me, when I see just how dumb fellow members of the human race are. How can a person be so ignorant and prepossessed with such delusions of self-importance as to even contemplate such a silly thought- as though it might count as some kind of a good deed? If you too would like to consider making a donation to the wealthy children of a celebrity, then you can pull your cock out of your fucking arse and start to think about giving some money to a cause that is actually worthwhile instead! You stupid fucking idiots!

Monday, June 29, 2009

Wayne's joke of the week- week 7

What do you call an argumentative talk radio broadcaster who has had a flotation device inserted into his anus?

Tommy Buoy-ed

Friday, June 26, 2009

Wayne's Joke of the Week- Week 6

Why did Geoffrey from Rainbow have a bleeding penis?

He accidentally got it caught in his Zippy!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Wayne's Joke of the Week- Week 5b

Seeing as I had neglected to cast out any hilarious vignettes, over the past few weeks, I have decided to publically fondle my comedic gonads for a second time this week- in the hope that I might jettison forth some further seeds of fertile wit. Here goes:

What exercise did the apple do every morning, shortly after getting out of bed?

Crunches (in order to work on his core)!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Amazonian progress

Good news folks- I'm now ranked 116 on amazon! Just 16 places from the elite top 100!

Incidentally, here's what the amazon site has to say about its top reviewers:

The ballots are in. The votes have been counted. Let's hear it for our Top Reviewers--selected by Amazon.com customers like you. These clear-minded critics voiced their opinions about Amazon.com items. In turn, they supplied their fellow shoppers with helpful, honest, tell-it-like-it-is product information. Please join us as we salute this topnotch group of review writers.

Certainly sounds like a fair assessment of my work to date! Let's keep those helpful votes coming in!

Incidentally, Amazon has recently published detailed figures that reveal the total number of unhelpful votes, as well as the helpful ones. At present I'm on 5664 of 6656, which means that 86% of all my votes have been 'helpful' (and that I only need 8 more negatives to reach 1000 negative votes!). Let's compare that to Mr. Peter Durward Harris, amazon's so-called "no. 1 reviewer". He has 36,038 helpfuls out of 46,024- A MERE 79% 'HELPFUL' VOTING!


Peter Durward Harris' profile

My own profile

Monday, June 15, 2009

Wayne's joke of the week- week 5

Oops! I'm afraid that I have neglected to dish up any humorous offerings of late. Time to get things going again, I think!

What do you get if you cross a man with a woman?

A baby!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

New review of "Frugal Living for Dummies"

Ever had that feeling that a joke is so obvious that it is quite literally screaming out at you to make it! I'm just stunned that nobody else got there first.

(Yes, that's right- I said 'literally'. LITERALLY SCREAMING OUT! Not 'figuratively' screaming out. So intensely was it calling, that I was left with no choice but to abuse the word 'literally' in order to put a point across- regardless of how thoroughly improper the context of that usage may have been.)

Anyway, here's a review of Frugal Living for Dummies

Check out my profile for other recent additions:

Wayne Redhart's Profile

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

A rather curious dream

A few days ago I had a rather intriguing dream. I cannot remember the precise circumstances, but I found myself to be a guest at somebody else's house. Who, I cannot recall. Anyhow, this person handed me a rolled up piece of bread to eat, which I duly bit into. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that this spiral of leavened dough contained a generous filling of human faeces! It soon transpired that, for some inexplicable reason, my host was under the curious impression that excrement sandwiches were a favourite of mine! Loath to seem ungrateful however, I had no desire to offend my host by expressing my dismay at her kind act of hospitality. I discovered that as long as I put the bread-enclosed faeces into my mouth in the first place, I could secretly dispose of them down the toilet that was directly in front of me, whenever she looked away. However, this was far from an ideal compromise. The stools were extremely sticky and, although I could spit the bulk of them out, it was impossible to fully remove the foul-tasting streaks that were smeared all around my face and within my mouth.

Are there any dream analysts or psychologists reading this?

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Wayne's joke of the week- week 4

What do you call a man who inscribes grafitti onto the walls of public lavatories, whilst wearing a Fedora?

Humphrey Bog-art!

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Wayne's joke of the week- week 3b

A bonus one for you, this week, ladies and gentlemen!

What do you call a former military officer who has taken to retailing aftershave, handtowels and lollipops etc. in a public lavatory?

A loo-tenant!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Wayne's joke of the week- week 3

Why did Gary Lineker have to give up his career as a drag act, on the underground cabaret scene?

Because he never received any 'bookings'!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Wayne's Joke of the Week- Week 2

(Another example of what I like to call 'political satire')

A wealthy foreign businessman walks into a branch of Zavvi, brandishing an enormous wodge of banknotes. After scouring the singles section with no apparent luck, he goes up to the customer service desk- where he finds Gordon Brown on duty behind the counter.

"I've thoroughly checked the stands but I can't find any copies of the no. 2 charting Spandau Ballet single of 1983, that I am currently seeking." exclaims the esteemed entrepeneur. "Are any there any reserve copies being held in storage around the back?" he enquires. "I'd be willing to pay an exceedingly handsome sum for each and every one that you can provide me with."

"I'm afraid that I can't help you, sir." mumbles Gordon Brown. "Ten years ago we held a massive bargain basement sale in which we cleared out all of our 'Gold' reserves for a pittance. Are you a fan of boy bands? We have 'Busted'."

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Wayne's Joke of the Week- Week 1 (version 1.01)

Further to the joke of the week that I made an auspicious debut with last night, I would like to submit an updated version 1.01, if I may. This includes one particular 'improvement' that, in my opinion, helps to augment the levels of factual accuracy within the said joke.

What did Gerald Ford do when Richard Nixon was guilty of speaking with inadequate clarity of diction?

He gave him a Presidential "Pardon?".

PS. Let's keep any references to Lyndon Johnson that may inadvertently have arisen strictly between us, please! I doubt very much whether it would be in Britain's interests if this gaffe were to become public knowledge.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Wayne's Joke of the Week- week 1

Awooga! Here we have it! It's time for my first 'joke of the week'!

I would like to start with some cutting-edge political satire, if I may.

What did Lyndon B. Johnson do when Richard Nixon was guilty of speaking with inadequate clarity of diction?

He gave him a Presidential "Pardon?".

I first became interested in the break-down of comedic structures when I was a student. It was in the 70s that I was to compose my first doctoral thesis "Which Came First, the Chicken or the Road? (A contextual dissection of the socio-political relevance of the 'Why did the chicken cross the road?' joke)". Referred to by critics as 'penetratingly revealing', 'remarkably concise and straight to the point- throughout the entire duration of its 100,000 words' and 'the biggest load of pretentious drivel since the publication of the Bible', my analytical work in the field of comedy has often divided critics.

Anyhow, look out for a breakdown in "Behind the Laughter- Inside the Amateur Comic's Studio", later in the week. Although the untrained eye will likely have seen nothing more than a simple piece of razor-sharp satire, interwoven with a dualistic thread of postmodernity and inverse Davroesque surrealism, to an observant artisan of the craft there are of course far more levels to be appreciated within the joke.

So, why not come and join me in my comedy abbatoir, as I hack through the exterior with a cultural hacksaw- allowing the entrails of witticism to spill out and unravel in their full comic glory?

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Behind the laughter- inside the amateur comic's studio

Hello, everyone! Time for something a little different, today. Although I would like to think that I have earned myself a reputation as an authority within the field of consumer goods evaluation, it is perhaps a little known fact that I also like to indulge in a very different kind of hobby- as an amateur comic writer! Over the forthcoming weeks, I would like to announce the regular column "Wayne's joke of the week"- in which I (the aforementioned "Wayne") shall provide what is known in the business as "a joke" on a weekly basis. This column will feature not only an uproarious piece of humour, but also a pompously pseudo-intellectual analysis of the individual comedic components, as they grind together behind-the-scenes- producing a high-frequency wave of shrill jocular resonance!

Consider the magical double act, Penn and Teller (comprised of Madonna's former husband and his partner William Teller), or that thing on ITV2 with the slap-head off the X-files and that anonymous conjuror in a gimp mask. In each of these shows, one is provided with the opportunity to witness an almighty lid- as it is lifted from the greatest secrets of magic (such as the notorious illusion in which Paul Daniels somehow managed to create an impression of having sawn the lovely Debbie McGee in half). In a similar fashion to that of magic's best known TV-grasses, each week I shall seek to peel back the outer layers of a hand-sculpted comedic onion- comprehensively robbing it of such properties as wonder and mystique, whilst doing so.

Although, these days, I primarily view myself as an occasional amateur comic writer, in my younger years I must to admit to aspirations as a professional stand up comedian. Sadly, these were not to be and the years I spent chasing that dream ultimately proved futile. As they say, "It's the way you tells 'em" and, if I'm honest, I don't think I ever really had the knack (or, for that matter, 'the knackers') for it. Furthermore, although I take no pride in this, a hefty proportion of my material had rather questionable moral foundations. I admit that this is no real excuse, but it was a different world in the 70s and the working men's clubs were just crying out for jokes that centered around dangerous topics. Those which were focused around such premises as racism, homophobia or acts of coprophagia tended to go down an absolute treat for most comedians! After my 'clean' family-friendly act had been received rather poorly, I felt it was necessary to jump on the bandwagon, if I was to have any hope of success.

Perhaps by way of karma, it was after an extremely bad reaction to some of this risque material that I was forced to accept that stand-up comedy was not for me. What with the prevailing social climate of the times, I would never have guessed that culturally offensive material could also end up going down very poorly! One racist joke in particular (that could likely have left Bernard Manning blushing like a fourteen year-old teenager who has arrived home early during his parents' stint at hosting the parish orgy) had struck me as a guaranteed winner with the crowds. However, after it failed to raise so much as even a titter (among the 500 or so inebriated skinheads who were in attendance at the annual BNP ball in Bradford) I had to concede that I simply don't have what it takes to drum up the necessary rapport with a crowd- not even with the easiest of them!

Anyway, you can look forward to my first comic vignette in the near future!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Literature and the test of time

While nobody could deny that one or two old yarns have stood up to the test of time, do we really have to be in constant deference to the 'great' authors and their 'classic' tales of yesteryear? While we have Shakespeare to thank for such contemporary film classics as "Ten Things I Hate About You" (derived from "Taming of the Shrew") "My Own Private Idaho" (from Henry IV) and "Dude Where's My Car" (inspired by "The Merchant of Venice"), must we keep on insisting that these literary old-timers have any genuine relevance to the "GMTV-Generation" of today?

Only today I found myself reading the "Emperor's New Clothes". What a load of overhyped nonsense! It's about time we accepted that such things are utterly irrelevant to the modern world! See my full review on amazon here

Sunday, March 8, 2009

An Egg-centric Eggs-travanganza

A work currently in progress, I have recently been turning my attentions to Michel Roux's book Eggs.

The plan is to set a new world record for the highest density of egg puns within a body of text. I did a similar thing once before, with The Best Book of Puns.

Although I was reasonably proud of that at the time, I'm afraid that the main body of text contains a mere 21 instances within 88 words! At one pun, per 4.105 words, the statistics now look very pun-y indeed! Well, I've managed to better that this time, with 77 eggs out of 209 words (in the main part of the text)- a rate of one egg every 2.7143 words. Still, I can't help but feel that this can be improved (ideally to the point of having an egg every other word) before I approach Norris McWhirter. Please send any suggestions for additions!

The current effort is still awaiting approval on amazon (which still displays an earlier draft), so here is the latest version:

As a joint-founder of 'Le Gavroche' (along with his brother Danny), Michel Roux has a long-standing reputation as a first-class chef. Although the restaurant has since dropped to two Michelin stars, Roux's reputation remains thoroughly unblemished- the balls-up having occurred shortly after he made the regrettable decision to pass the reins to Michel Roux jnr, his bumbling nephew!

Anyway, to the recipes! I had high eggs-pectations but it's no eggs-aggeration to say that this eggs-pansive literary eggs-position eggs-udes in-eggs-tinguishable eggs-ellence! Roux's eggs-traordinary eggs-actitude of eggs-planation is eggs-emplary and its el-egg-ance cannot be eggs-tolled highly enough. Indeed, the eggs-uberant recipes are eggs-pounded eggs-plicitly enough to be readily eggs-ecuted by both d-eggs-trous eggs-perts and in-eggs-perienced b-egg-inners alike- with scant need for eggs-perimentation or eggs-tensive eggs-trapolation. While one needs some eggs-otic ingredients (to add to r-egg-ular ones, like or-egg-ano, nutm-egg or vin-egg-ar), eggs-amination reveals that none but the most eggs-clusive eggs-amples demands an eggs-orbitant level of eggs-acerbated eggs-penditure. While there are many pre-eggs-isting t-eggs-ts on eggs, Roux's eggs-tremely eggs-haustive l-eggs-icon eggs-hibits that eggs-tra level of eggs-travagance, s-egg-r-egg-ating him from other eggs-tant eggs-ponents (without egg-ception). The eggs-quisite results are pure egg-stasy!

Anyway, I b-egg you to eggs-cuse me if I have become r-egg-rettably over-eggs-cited and gone to a n-egg-ative d-egg-ree of egg-cess, in eggs-pressing myself! If you r-egg-ard this egg-regiously eggs-troversive eggs-ploration as having been eggs-cruciatingly eggs-asperating then you'll feel eggs-ultant to know that I've just about over-eggs-erted myself. I shall not eggs-tend these ren-egg-ade eggs-ploits any further. No, I'm not going to d-egg-rade my int-egg-rity by eggs-tracting any more dr-eggs, before making an egg-ceedingly eggs-pedient eggs-it. Frankly, this egg-centricity has gone beyond the yolk!

PS. Rumour has it that Roux has been contemplating a follow-up to this success, but only time will tell whether a second venture into the world of eggs would be wise. Let's hope that he doesn't find himself suffering from the notorious "difficult second 'albumen' syndrome"!

Friday, February 6, 2009

Some new reviews

Hello, ladies and gentlemen!

I am pleased to announce that following my ban from the Facebook Group that I had been co-administrator of, I have now been fully reinstated!

Anyway, I shall give the full story in a future post but, in the meantime, here are some links to a few recent additions:

The Fine Art of Dining

Squatter's Rights

BNP - Local elections in Burnley - Framed 16x12 Print (40x30cm) by PA Photos

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Hello again!

Hello everyone!

Wayne here. Happy new year! Apologies for the lack of work thus far in 2009. Since my last post, I have been banned from my Facebook group, but I'll have to go into that in more detail at a later date. In the meantime, here are couple of new reviews! The draft version of the radio one went up some time ago although (for some reason) amazon took a week or so more to accept the final version. For any of you who aren't familiar with Thomas Boyd, by the way, this is the fellow:


Anyway, here you go:

Overcoming Compulsive Washing

Internet Radio