Wayne's appallingly blasphemous joke of the Easter 'weak'

Don't worry. This isn't really much different to my regular "jokes of the weak". This one's just prematurely themed for easter:


Why did Jesus' get a massive bulge in his trousers, when he took a tour around a mortuary?

Because he had 'risen' from the dead.

Wayne's joke of the "weak"

What do you get if you hack off a man's genitalia, attach a small horn to his forehead and then force him to spend a few months wearing rather poorly fitting boots?

A eunuch-corn!!!

Wayne's joke of the "weak"

An old man is sitting quietly in the corner of a Yorkshire pub, reading his paper. All of a sudden a large group of students bustle in and start disturbing the peace. After a couple of rounds of drinks, a few of them gather around the quiz machine and begin to play. They are soon doing rather well (despite the old man's disapproving tuts) and eventually find themselves needing to answer just one more question, in order to win the £25 jackpot. The question comes up:

Which actor first portrayed Robert Ludlum's famous character Jason Bourne?

A: Roger Lloyd Pack
B: Matt Damon
C: Richard Chamberlain

The students rapidly concur that the correct answer is, of course, B. However, at this point, a loud voice suddenly carries across the pub:

"No it bloody weren't! It were Richard bloody Chamberlain!"

The students find tremendous amusement at the ramblings of the evidently deranged old man and go ahead with pressing B- at which point the machine registers a wrong answer. They win nothing.

"Why you ungrateful bloody youngsters!" shouts the old man. "That's the problem with your generation- you think you know it all, but you don't know your Bourne!".

Wayne's joke of the "weak"

What happened when God drank a bottle of Coca-cola too quickly?

He did an "almighty" burp!

Wayne's joke of the 'weak'

A man is standing in a field full of cows, chomping away at a Big Mac. One of the cows goes up to him and says:

"MOO!!! Would you please refrain from eating that Big Mac, sir? Not only is it staggeringly high in both sodium and saturated fat, but it also causes untold damage to the environment. Do you have any idea as to the quantity of methane that is produced from year to year by the massed proliferation of livestock? Do you have any idea as to how morally reprehensible it is to be reserving vast regions of third world land for the rearing of cattle, while a substantial proportion of the local people go hungry- due to insufficient remaining land in which to plant staple crops? And that's to say nothing of how many square kilometres of rainforest are being bulldozed to make way for unsustainable pastures, before being grazed into barren wasteland."

"Yeah- blah, blah, blah! Well, what do you propose that I eat instead then, Myrtle, or whatever your name is?", inquires the man.

"MOO!!! My name is Daisy, thank you. But why don't you feast upon some of this lovely grass, like I do?" says the cow.

"Well, it's all very well for you, as a cow, to subsist off a diet of grass" says the man "but personally I simply don't have the 'stomachs' for it."

BOOM BOOM!!!

Wayne's joke of the 'weak'

Have you heard the one about the brutal serial killer who worked as a fitness instructor? All of his clients ended up thoroughly 'ripped', with the most exquisitely 'chiselled' physiques.

Wayne's Joke of the 'Weak'

Good lord! I haven't done one of these in months!


Why did the voucher with a record of conducting himself with dubious standards in morality go into the confession booth?

Because he wanted to be 'redeemed'!