Hello, everyone! Time for something a little different, today. Although I would like to think that I have earned myself a reputation as an authority within the field of consumer goods evaluation, it is perhaps a little known fact that I also like to indulge in a very different kind of hobby- as an amateur comic writer! Over the forthcoming weeks, I would like to announce the regular column "Wayne's joke of the week"- in which I (the aforementioned "Wayne") shall provide what is known in the business as "a joke" on a weekly basis. This column will feature not only an uproarious piece of humour, but also a pompously pseudo-intellectual analysis of the individual comedic components, as they grind together behind-the-scenes- producing a high-frequency wave of shrill jocular resonance!
Consider the magical double act, Penn and Teller (comprised of Madonna's former husband and his partner William Teller), or that thing on ITV2 with the slap-head off the X-files and that anonymous conjuror in a gimp mask. In each of these shows, one is provided with the opportunity to witness an almighty lid- as it is lifted from the greatest secrets of magic (such as the notorious illusion in which Paul Daniels somehow managed to create an impression of having sawn the lovely Debbie McGee in half). In a similar fashion to that of magic's best known TV-grasses, each week I shall seek to peel back the outer layers of a hand-sculpted comedic onion- comprehensively robbing it of such properties as wonder and mystique, whilst doing so.
Although, these days, I primarily view myself as an occasional amateur comic writer, in my younger years I must to admit to aspirations as a professional stand up comedian. Sadly, these were not to be and the years I spent chasing that dream ultimately proved futile. As they say, "It's the way you tells 'em" and, if I'm honest, I don't think I ever really had the knack (or, for that matter, 'the knackers') for it. Furthermore, although I take no pride in this, a hefty proportion of my material had rather questionable moral foundations. I admit that this is no real excuse, but it was a different world in the 70s and the working men's clubs were just crying out for jokes that centered around dangerous topics. Those which were focused around such premises as racism, homophobia or acts of coprophagia tended to go down an absolute treat for most comedians! After my 'clean' family-friendly act had been received rather poorly, I felt it was necessary to jump on the bandwagon, if I was to have any hope of success.
Perhaps by way of karma, it was after an extremely bad reaction to some of this risque material that I was forced to accept that stand-up comedy was not for me. What with the prevailing social climate of the times, I would never have guessed that culturally offensive material could also end up going down very poorly! One racist joke in particular (that could likely have left Bernard Manning blushing like a fourteen year-old teenager who has arrived home early during his parents' stint at hosting the parish orgy) had struck me as a guaranteed winner with the crowds. However, after it failed to raise so much as even a titter (among the 500 or so inebriated skinheads who were in attendance at the annual BNP ball in Bradford) I had to concede that I simply don't have what it takes to drum up the necessary rapport with a crowd- not even with the easiest of them!
Anyway, you can look forward to my first comic vignette in the near future!
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