Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Complete tools

Here's a comment that was posted at the bottom of the following BBC news story:


I have 4 tickets so I may ask for two refunds and 2 souvenir tickets. When Michael died I was not concerned about the money I'd paid for tickets I was just so sad. I even considered donating the money to his children or towards the funeral. But a souvenir ticket would be great.
Lisa Shone, London UK

It never fails to stun me, when I see just how dumb fellow members of the human race are. How can a person be so ignorant and prepossessed with such delusions of self-importance as to even contemplate such a silly thought- as though it might count as some kind of a good deed? If you too would like to consider making a donation to the wealthy children of a celebrity, then you can pull your cock out of your fucking arse and start to think about giving some money to a cause that is actually worthwhile instead! You stupid fucking idiots!

Monday, June 29, 2009

Wayne's joke of the week- week 7

What do you call an argumentative talk radio broadcaster who has had a flotation device inserted into his anus?

Tommy Buoy-ed

Friday, June 26, 2009

Wayne's Joke of the Week- Week 6

Why did Geoffrey from Rainbow have a bleeding penis?

He accidentally got it caught in his Zippy!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Wayne's Joke of the Week- Week 5b

Seeing as I had neglected to cast out any hilarious vignettes, over the past few weeks, I have decided to publically fondle my comedic gonads for a second time this week- in the hope that I might jettison forth some further seeds of fertile wit. Here goes:

What exercise did the apple do every morning, shortly after getting out of bed?

Crunches (in order to work on his core)!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Amazonian progress

Good news folks- I'm now ranked 116 on amazon! Just 16 places from the elite top 100!

Incidentally, here's what the amazon site has to say about its top reviewers:

The ballots are in. The votes have been counted. Let's hear it for our Top Reviewers--selected by Amazon.com customers like you. These clear-minded critics voiced their opinions about Amazon.com items. In turn, they supplied their fellow shoppers with helpful, honest, tell-it-like-it-is product information. Please join us as we salute this topnotch group of review writers.

Certainly sounds like a fair assessment of my work to date! Let's keep those helpful votes coming in!

Incidentally, Amazon has recently published detailed figures that reveal the total number of unhelpful votes, as well as the helpful ones. At present I'm on 5664 of 6656, which means that 86% of all my votes have been 'helpful' (and that I only need 8 more negatives to reach 1000 negative votes!). Let's compare that to Mr. Peter Durward Harris, amazon's so-called "no. 1 reviewer". He has 36,038 helpfuls out of 46,024- A MERE 79% 'HELPFUL' VOTING!


Peter Durward Harris' profile

My own profile

Monday, June 15, 2009

Wayne's joke of the week- week 5

Oops! I'm afraid that I have neglected to dish up any humorous offerings of late. Time to get things going again, I think!

What do you get if you cross a man with a woman?

A baby!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

New review of "Frugal Living for Dummies"

Ever had that feeling that a joke is so obvious that it is quite literally screaming out at you to make it! I'm just stunned that nobody else got there first.

(Yes, that's right- I said 'literally'. LITERALLY SCREAMING OUT! Not 'figuratively' screaming out. So intensely was it calling, that I was left with no choice but to abuse the word 'literally' in order to put a point across- regardless of how thoroughly improper the context of that usage may have been.)

Anyway, here's a review of Frugal Living for Dummies

Check out my profile for other recent additions:

Wayne Redhart's Profile

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

A rather curious dream

A few days ago I had a rather intriguing dream. I cannot remember the precise circumstances, but I found myself to be a guest at somebody else's house. Who, I cannot recall. Anyhow, this person handed me a rolled up piece of bread to eat, which I duly bit into. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that this spiral of leavened dough contained a generous filling of human faeces! It soon transpired that, for some inexplicable reason, my host was under the curious impression that excrement sandwiches were a favourite of mine! Loath to seem ungrateful however, I had no desire to offend my host by expressing my dismay at her kind act of hospitality. I discovered that as long as I put the bread-enclosed faeces into my mouth in the first place, I could secretly dispose of them down the toilet that was directly in front of me, whenever she looked away. However, this was far from an ideal compromise. The stools were extremely sticky and, although I could spit the bulk of them out, it was impossible to fully remove the foul-tasting streaks that were smeared all around my face and within my mouth.

Are there any dream analysts or psychologists reading this?