Wayne's appallingly blasphemous joke of the Easter 'weak'

Don't worry. This isn't really much different to my regular "jokes of the weak". This one's just prematurely themed for easter:


Why did Jesus' get a massive bulge in his trousers, when he took a tour around a mortuary?

Because he had 'risen' from the dead.

Wayne's joke of the "weak"

What do you get if you hack off a man's genitalia, attach a small horn to his forehead and then force him to spend a few months wearing rather poorly fitting boots?

A eunuch-corn!!!

Wayne's joke of the "weak"

An old man is sitting quietly in the corner of a Yorkshire pub, reading his paper. All of a sudden a large group of students bustle in and start disturbing the peace. After a couple of rounds of drinks, a few of them gather around the quiz machine and begin to play. They are soon doing rather well (despite the old man's disapproving tuts) and eventually find themselves needing to answer just one more question, in order to win the £25 jackpot. The question comes up:

Which actor first portrayed Robert Ludlum's famous character Jason Bourne?

A: Roger Lloyd Pack
B: Matt Damon
C: Richard Chamberlain

The students rapidly concur that the correct answer is, of course, B. However, at this point, a loud voice suddenly carries across the pub:

"No it bloody weren't! It were Richard bloody Chamberlain!"

The students find tremendous amusement at the ramblings of the evidently deranged old man and go ahead with pressing B- at which point the machine registers a wrong answer. They win nothing.

"Why you ungrateful bloody youngsters!" shouts the old man. "That's the problem with your generation- you think you know it all, but you don't know your Bourne!".

Wayne's joke of the "weak"

What happened when God drank a bottle of Coca-cola too quickly?

He did an "almighty" burp!

Wayne's joke of the 'weak'

A man is standing in a field full of cows, chomping away at a Big Mac. One of the cows goes up to him and says:

"MOO!!! Would you please refrain from eating that Big Mac, sir? Not only is it staggeringly high in both sodium and saturated fat, but it also causes untold damage to the environment. Do you have any idea as to the quantity of methane that is produced from year to year by the massed proliferation of livestock? Do you have any idea as to how morally reprehensible it is to be reserving vast regions of third world land for the rearing of cattle, while a substantial proportion of the local people go hungry- due to insufficient remaining land in which to plant staple crops? And that's to say nothing of how many square kilometres of rainforest are being bulldozed to make way for unsustainable pastures, before being grazed into barren wasteland."

"Yeah- blah, blah, blah! Well, what do you propose that I eat instead then, Myrtle, or whatever your name is?", inquires the man.

"MOO!!! My name is Daisy, thank you. But why don't you feast upon some of this lovely grass, like I do?" says the cow.

"Well, it's all very well for you, as a cow, to subsist off a diet of grass" says the man "but personally I simply don't have the 'stomachs' for it."

BOOM BOOM!!!

Wayne's joke of the 'weak'

Have you heard the one about the brutal serial killer who worked as a fitness instructor? All of his clients ended up thoroughly 'ripped', with the most exquisitely 'chiselled' physiques.

Wayne's Joke of the 'Weak'

Good lord! I haven't done one of these in months!


Why did the voucher with a record of conducting himself with dubious standards in morality go into the confession booth?

Because he wanted to be 'redeemed'!

Wayne's joke of the "weak"

What do you get if you fashion a pair of underpants out of cured slices of pork belly, but neglect to wipe your arse adequately in the aftermath of a visit to the latrine?

"Streaky" bacon!

Wayne's joke of the 'weak'

Woohoo! Author Chris Wood has contacted me to offer a free copy of his book Sherlock Holmes and the Underpants of Death to review.

Sounds far more appealling than Guy Richard's new film. Anyhow what with all this Holmes business going on, it's time for a new joke!


What did Sherlock Holmes say when somebody asked him which cultural current affairs magazine he most likes to read?

Elementary, my dear- What's On!

Wayne's joke of the 'weak'

Have you heard the one about the male porn-star who leapt into a vat of perfume shortly before filming a scene, in order to save the life of a drowning child?

He came up smelling of roses!

Wayne's joke of the 'weak'

Why did the Severn Bridge toll-booth worker not get fired- after he placed a tea cosy on top of his head and did a rather poor impersonation of a Jamaican accent?

Because his boss decided that he was only guilty of 'borderline' racism!

Wayne's joke of the 'weak'

What happened when a thoroughly drunk snowman arrived at the surprise Birthday party that his wife was throwing for him, with a cheap prostitute on his arm?

He was greeted with a 'Frosty reception'!

Wayne's joke of the "weak"

Have you heard the one about the objectophilia sufferer with an unusually thick penis, who found a new lease of life when he discovered the game of basketball?

He was "cock-a-hoop"!

Wayne's joke of the 'weak'

How did the ill-educated young gentleman from Newcastle -upon-Tyne misspell the word 'Yemen'?

Y-I-men (why-aye man)

Wayne's (borderline-racist?) joke of the "weak"!

What do you call a Chinese healer with a remedy for coughs?

Benny Lin!

Wayne's Joke of the 'Weak'

Why could the song 'Ghost Town' be heard coming out of an old, used Kleenex?

Because it was a 'Ska Tissue'!

Wayne's joke of the 'weak'

Why did happily-married explorer Captain Scott attempt to bugger his travelling companion Captain Oates?

Because he was suffering from 'bi-polar' disorder!

Wayne's joke of the weak- blasphemy special

Sorry, I haven't recently managed to fulfill my projected intentions to divulge a new joke every calendar week. Still, regardless of the fact that the weak/week pun has now officially lost all semblance of validity, here's a new one to keep you going:

What was Jesus' favourite form of exercise?

Cross-training!

Wayne's joke of the weak

Here's a second one for you:

Why did the man wear jogging bottoms and trainers to his dinner-date?

Because he was hoping to have 'casual' sex!

Wayne's joke of the weak

What do you call a black and white bird that hangs around in gay bars?

A poof-in!